Communicating in a Clear and Respectful Way

You know the moment when you receive negative feedback and an opposing viewpoint, and a pit in your stomach opens up? Well I actively sought this one out. I was asking family and friends to watch the documentary Coded Bias and take a survey I had written for my course work. My goal was to start conversations, raise awareness, and gather content to write a compelling essay based on their stories and experiences with biased algorithms. Great in theory and was a first step in engaging with what I had been learning about racial equity. I knew it was not going to be easy but I felt the feedback and an opposing viewpoint I received in my body.

When I opened the multi page email and began to read it, I knew I needed to practice the theories I had learned about centering ourselves and others as people first. It was loaded with the defensiveness of someone triggered, activated in a way that demonstrates confusion and fear. They called the film disturbingly one-sided and lacking in opposing inputs from responsible agencies and companies. Which from my perspective, all lives were never in question and the black and brown people whose pain is not being listened to by the agencies and companies who are supposed to be responsible. The response indicated there were processes for revision, improvement, and enhancement of these "new" technologies that happen when these types of things are implemented. To me the film literally showed us that the facial recognition technology was not seeing them and outlined clearly how their pain was not being listened to or their concerns being of value.

The feedback went on to deny the reality of the lived experiences being presented, critique the credibility of researchers and highly educated people in the field raising concerns, pick apart the survey questions I had written, and cite sources full of misinformation. I know because I checked the sources. The citations either pointed back to folks within the companies who were in question or are not peer reviewed, meaning the content their response was generated based on came from within an echo chamber.

Pivot To Practice

One of the key lessons that I learned from this experience is that I want to acknowledge my emotional response and provide self-compassion immediately. Initially my defenses kicked in and I naturally deflected the pain. Given traumas I've navigated in life, I'm an expert at this default response. I was focused on ways to respond intellectually and had stuffed my feelings to sort out later. It's easier and less painful that way, plus I usually forget to circle back to the hurt. Not a productive default.

While I practice valuing my own feelings I also want to go a layer deeper than my feelings and focus on the content itself. I think that by looking for opportunities to learn and grow, even if it is difficult to hear, I ultimately benefit. The person who wrote this email was trying to communicate something of value even if they did it poorly. When I make a mistake at work from doing a task poorly, I think it's important to own it, make things right, and take action to prevent the mistake from happening again. I want to practice noticing what is noise and what could potentially be valuable content. I'm hoping for common ground and an opportunity for the other person to own it, make things right, and prevent it from repeating.

Additionally I want to notice and actively ask my support network for help understanding the feedback. Maybe I'm missing something of value? Maybe my patterns of coping are clouding my perspective? To consider whether the feedback may be an opportunity to improve my communication or approach from different angles, while not easy, could be extremely valuable.

Reflection

Receiving this negative response was a difficult experience, especially since it was related to a topic I am passionate about and from someone important to me. It's natural to feel hurt and defensive when we hear criticism or negative comments. However, it's important to remember that hurting others is a part of our imperfection, and receiving pain from others is a human experience. What matters most is what I chose to do next. In these moments, expressing our feelings and communicating our perspectives in clear and respectful ways can help us navigate these types of conversations more effectively. It was important for me to approach the conversation with an open mind and a willingness to listen to their perspective, especially since I don't agree with their conclusions.

When I approached this feedback with an attitude of curiosity and a desire to learn, I turned an opposing perspective and unkind words into an opportunity for my growth and self-improvement. I got on the phone with this person and we awkwardly talked it through. I feel closer to this person now and hopeful it is a bonding moment that will bring us closer. At minimum they know I'm an anti-racist, someone who will tell them exactly where I stand.

In This Instance

In situations like this, I can pause after reading the first few lines. In those moments I can become aware of how I'm feeling. Take a breath. Then I can be intentional and determine whether I am reading to listen to their perspective or to respond.

I could ask questions afterward the conversation to demonstrate the person's value to me. Perhaps questions like, 'Can you provide examples of how I could improve my communication or approach?' or 'Is there anything I could do to address your concerns or improve our relationship going forward?' By asking these I am hoping to signal my openness to change and desire to accommodate their needs too.

When they are attacking character or deflecting from the core content being presented, I want to steer clear of questions like, 'Can you tell me more about what specifically you found inaccurate or unhelpful in my work?' or 'Can you recommend any resources or experts who might help me better understand this topic?' In this particular email, the person had provided answers to both these so I'm open to revisiting them in later circumstances. What I don't want to do is encourage this unproductive behavior or let them cross my boundaries of self respect.

In conclusion, receiving negative feedback can be a difficult experience, especially when it's related to something that is important to us. It's natural to feel hurt and defensive when we hear criticism or negative comments. For me it's important to remember that hurting others is a part of my imperfection, and receiving pain from others is a human experience. What matters most is what I choose to do next. In these moments, expressing my feelings and communicating my perspectives in a clear and respectful way, helps me navigate the conversation more effectively. I think it's important to approach the conversation with an open mind and a willingness to listen to their perspective, even if I don't agree with them. When I approach feedback with an attitude of curiosity and a desire to learn, I can turn negative feedback into an opportunity for growth and self-improvement.