After I had both my kiddos, I experienced severe postpartum anxiety and depression. I didn't think the symptoms I was experiencing were bad enough to be the real thing. I thought that if I just pushed through, worked harder, that it would be enough. That I could somehow prove I was a good enough mother. The fear of having my children taken away and the despair knowing they would be better off cared for by someone, anyone else because of how unfit I was, was intensely real for me. Being caught in the spiraling thoughts, harsh self talk, and overwhelming weight of emotions (read shame, vulnerability, perfection, the opposite of self compassion) was crippling.

 

Yet I was fortunate to have built an incredible support network to catch me. I have access to mental health resources that I could rely on and was given the grace to keeping trying different ones until I found a combination of care that worked for me.

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Then came the clarity that this mental health hurdle was just the beginning. As the years started to tick by and the initial obstacles of motherhood were being addressed, the gremlins of my childhood started creeping out. My default reactions when I felt frustration or impatience was to yell to the point of terrifying them or physically slap or shake them. This is not who I am. Not who I want to be.

 

I intentionally commit energy and focus to breaking the cycles of trauma I inherited. I keep learning and practicing different tools for getting through those moments. I take a deep breath and let myself do it imperfectly because I am human and I have vowed to keep practicing. I'll be damned if I don't interrupt the way things have been done.

 

After five years of practicing and holding this vow center focus, I am noticing that my default reactions are starting to shift. I am regaining my power and living as who I want to be. As a white woman, I have a unique position of privilege and power in society. Not only do I have support, access to resources, and space for trial and error, I wasn't dealt additional obstacles through this recovery process because of my skin color. 

 

As an educated white women, I can explore and counter the barriers others like me face (which is known as systemic racism) without the lived experience. As a middle class, progressive person, racism was difficult for me to detect at first. I was looking for all the wrong telltale signs. I could feel when something was said or a decision made that wasn't right, but I didn't know what I could do about it. Didn't know when or how to speak up. I was afraid of the unknowns, what might happen if, and I let those fears stop me.

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Now I know this fear as a luxury and one I want to separate myself from. I'd rather buy $5 coffees! You see, when I allow myself to remain small, quiet, my default reactions in those moments I'm allowing the cycle of trauma to continue. When I choose to be nice, keep the peace, play devils advocate, I am making it harder for someone just trying to sort through life's problems. I'm passionate about starting where I am. For me this looks like using my voice in the workplace, as a mother, and in my community to advocate for policies and practices that promote diversity, equity, and inclusion.

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By educating myself and taking action to share and use that knowledge, I am committed to being an accomplice. As new waves of technology are designed, implemented, and talked about, I intend to be part of the conversation on how to work through and solve for how things are being set up.​

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I hope you see a part of yourself reflected in my story and leverage your story to make an impact too.